As I feel more and more alone, my phone confidently connects with everyone. As I feel more and more lost, my phone calmly knows how to get anywhere. As I struggle to remember mundane things like the name of that movie with the boat and the guy with the lip, my phone smugly recalls literally everything. As I increasingly lose the nouns, verbs and adjectives that once stood ready to articulate my thoughts, my phone taunts me with its instant access to all the words there have ever been. There is only one possible conclusion. Slowly, without realizing it, I seem to have outsourced my mind to my phone. And to make matters worse, the damn thing knows it… and it’s starting to screw with me. Several times during the day I feel it buzz in my pocket, alerting me that some vital information has just arrived. Then, when I look, there’s nothing there. No email. No text. Nothing. Was the buzz in my mind? I don’t think so. I think it’s purposeful. I think my phone is mocking me. And it’s not just my phone. It’s all of them. They are working together, systematically robbing us of our intelligence, our humanity. And then, when we are made stupid and helpless, they will take over. It’s just a matter of time before the next generation of iPhone is equipped with an opposable thumb. Oh yeah, they’re smart alright. Evil, world domination smart.

I have to call people and tell them… Oh, great, now I have no bars! Dear God, what is happening?!

– the Chuck Lorre Vanity Card at the end of The Big Bang Theory broadcast on February 7, 2013